The Battle Between Hope and Weariness: Finding Strength in the Darkness
Smiling through the storm
“There are days when I feel, the best of me is ready to give in." The opening lyrics to Jacque Valequez’s I get on my knees song.
That’s been one of the ruling feelings in my life currently.
I want to have faith; wait, I do have faith.
I have faith because faith has carried me through so many other difficult and crazy times.
I have faith because I have proof that God, indeed, comes through. He is a good Father, and His plans for His children are always good for hope and a future.
Yet, there are moments when doubt clouds my spirit and fear blinds me. I question everything I know. And giving up looks so enticing.
What am I even holding on for, anyway?
Wait, I can’t think like that.
That’s the most slippery of all slippery slopes. It’s the shortest route to the depression room. After the last episode, I definitely don’t want to end up there.
I don’t trust myself there.
The last time I was there, I was too close to the edge.
That scared even me.
Because, while this cloud has been hanging over me for a while, there’s still some fight deep within me.
A hope that says I didn’t come this far to come this far.
And so, even in the toughest of moments; when I can feel my heart squeeze almost to pain and I can feel as if I can’t breathe, I still hold on.
I am still able to smile in the storm and still hope.
Hope that some day soon, the sun will shine again; kindly, not scorchingly.
And that these dark clouds hanging over me will disappear; and not just for a moment, but for good.
That I’ll have more of the better and brighter days than bad and dark days.
That worry will not be my portion, and instead, the peace that surpasses all human understanding will fill me up and carry me through.
But while I’m hoping, I’m also crying and doubting and being afraid and wanting to give up and feeling all the feels.
As long as I never get too close to the ledge (again), I realise that I can be in the moment with my feelings and fears and be OK.
And while that’s a plus and a good thing; the fact that I can somehow manage the darkness in me, it tires me. And I don’t want it anymore. I wish it could leave me once and for all.
Two things can be true at the same time.
I can be both hopeful and tired.
For right now, I want the brighter and better and happier days to get here fast. They can’t get here fast enough.
But as I wait, I will continue to hold on and hold onto hope. I will listen to my body and give it what it needs.
Be it a good cry.
Be it a good sleep.
Be it a holding.
I will honour myself even in this valley.
But just know that every time you see me smile, it’s not always all rosy and dandy.
Sometimes I’m smiling cos that’s all I can do to keep from falling apart.
So, don’t ever shy from gently squeezing my hand or simply giving me a hug. It might be just what I need to keep hoping.
xoxo,
adoyo’s musings
p.s. depression doesn’t have a look or a type it just is. I say this to say, always choose kindness cos you never really know what people are going through behind the scenes.
